Saturday, July 22, 2006

One year

Today is my first wedding anniversary. Hot diggity dog! There is no emoticon for what I am feeling right now.

This past year proved to be a dysfunctional cornucopia of laughter, uncertainty, pain, joy, and bodily functions. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..." Yeah, somewhat like the French Revolution.

I made a most important discovery about myself. I make a very poor wife. Before you start consoling the computer ("Oh, Louise, don't say that!"), it's completely true. In our first year of marriage, I barely cooked, cleaned, paid bills, or contributed to any sort of marital duties.

That was harder to type than I thought.

This caused a few difficulties, as you can imagine. Darin as the responsible man of all men, myself as the somewhat inconsiderate roommate. (It didn't help that we had almost opposite work/school schedules, resulting in too many lonely nights.) We argued about it, I cried and pouted, Darin grunted... He wanted to know exactly why I wouldn't help him. I didn't even know. It took a good eight months to figure out why I, a hardworking and compassionate person, a 'dem fine gel', could not bring myself to take on the role of WIFE.


I couldn't do it. If I committed myself to this marriage whole-heartedly, I would lose myself. I would lose my individuality, my person. I would lose Louise. This thought was excruciating. I like me.

Why did it take almost eight months to realize this? Well, I am Louise, after all. But now that I know what was holding me back from giving God and Darin all that I can possibly give, it can be fixed. "I'm not dead yet!"

And can I say how happy I am to be back home? Apartment living in Southern Michigan really brings out the worst in people. So glad to be home. It's much easier to sacrifice. (OK, that was meant to be ironic.) Sigh... And through it all, my husband still likes me.


Tom said...

I miss you to Louise. Now just as long as ur marriage differs from the French revolution in that it lacks beheadings.

Angel Roth said...

I dunno Tom, sounds like someone lost her head. Louise, you're very cute and very human (probably what would happen if I got married last year). That took guts.
p.s. bleah bleah bleah!

Louise said...

No beheadings, Tom. But definitely many bodily functions.

Meghan said...

Weezy! I miss you, too! And I am indulging in kicking myself for seeing you, what, twice this summer? But I keep you in my prayers, and I have hope that we will see each other very soon again, since the Catholic world is bizarrely circular. Like a Labyrinth, you think you might get out but no, that was just a wrong turn.

Your blog made me ponder what I would be like as a wife right now...ergh. Not a pretty sight, is the correct answer. I think the main issue is not are you perfect right now? but rather do you have the DESIRE for perfection? And you, my dear, do and so do I which is why I consider even trying.

Emily said...

That was a really honest, moving update Louise. I admire your sincerity and your desire to do what's right. As Meghan said, ummm, I would not make a very good wife right now. Hence the reason why I am not even considering marriage right now. lol. But I can see you're totally on the right track. I'm glad you're happier in Oregon... Michigan is awful. But it has wonderful people. (like me). God bless! and thanks for the update and HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

katja said...

yaaaaay, welcome home lou! and thanks for posting on my blog.

I'll have to post some pics soon so you can meet my new love. yes...that's right...I bought a digital camera! Nikon D70s, my love!

but, of course, Lou, you hold seniority.

Bernadette said...

:) louise :) it's good to hear from you again. I think what meg said was right--you've got most of the girls contemplating how they'd fare as a wife right now. (me to the answer-sometimes I wonder :P )

look forward to hearing from you! btw, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to you and Darin!