Tuesday, November 29, 2005

For your Viewing Displeasure

11-8 is a dreadfully long shift. Forgive my decaffeinated grumblings.

Luckily... I work an early shift tomorrow morn so Husband #1 and I can *gasp* spend the day together! I propose we clean the apartment (we're delayed gratifiers), take a nap, play a game, and go out for coffee. Hey, I just planned my day in a sentence! This is simply groundbreaking!

Here are some... ahem... creations that Darin concocted this afternoon. Some men watch football in their spare time, some sleep on the couch. Husband #1? See for yourself.

A Googled kid mixed with Jennifer Aniston. Charming.

Osama bin Bean

The NEXT Ave baby?

Feel free to put these on your desktop and paste on Mom's birthday card. Darin also extends an invitation for suggestions.

Go ahead, feed my hubby's hobby.

Post your ideas for new freaky/hilarious/huh? combinations, and I will choose the top five. Okay, Darin will. Anyway, the top five will be created and posted on this fabulous blog.
Good luck!

Sunday, November 27, 2005


(phone rings)

Male Customer: Hey, do you have that nylon jacket, called the "Warmest Jacket?" In blue? In a large?

Ian: (happily) We certainly do, sir!

Customer: The one with fleece lining?

Ian: (happily) Yes, sir!

Customer: In blue, called the "Warmest Jacket?"

Ian: (yet still happily) Yup!

Customer: A large with fleece lining, nylon shell...

Ian: (with slight wonder) Large blue Warmest Jacket with fleece lining, sir. Yes. We have it.

Customer: You're sure it has fleece lining?

Ian: YES.

Customer: Well... Put it on hold for Randy, please.

After Ian got rid of Randy, I handed my coworker a hold ticket. "I'm spelling his name with an 'i' out of spite!" Ian did, and I laughed. Poor Randi.

I am a rabid participant of spite. Just the other day, I took a massive swig of orange juice from the carton when my germ-conscientious inlaws were in the other room. Just to spite them for frustrating me and for not being my parents. (We've discussed my "I miss mommy" complex.)

Quick, tell me something that YOU have done spitefully, especially if it crosses over to outright malice. Then I might not feel quite as evil.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

An Untitled Evening

I'm heeeeere.

Back from Thanksgiving, two excruciatingly long work days equipped with evil mom-shoppers, and icy roads. I welcome the change. I happily return to my cozy apartment, devour my mother-in-law's delicious pie, and relish the fact that I finally have a Sunday off. I plan to sleep, watch TV, grocery shop, and sleep some more. *Homer drool*

And now it's time for....

Schmeez Droppings
Thoughts, Realizations, and Excremental Wisdom
  1. Darin's family is quietly dysfunctional. The familial resentment lies underneath the surface, occasionally exposing its ugly one-eyed head. My family's dysfunctionality, however, is overt. Wonderfully overt. With unsurpassed comedic undertones. From the eldest sister's insecurity ("Louise, you dress like a skank") to Dad's mood swings ("Hee hee hee... Aah, I'm a failure!"), we put the "fun" in dysfunctional.
  2. Kendrea and I had our lunch break together this afternoon. We went to a Mexican restaurant and had a lovely time until we found out that our two diminutive sides of guacamole cost $3.25 each. Kendrea employed her anger by witholding a tip, relaying the story to everyone at work, and constantly muttering "Three twenty-five" under her breath.
  3. I don't exactly know what to say when my homosexual coworkers/managers gush about my husband. "Um... Louise, are you sure he's married?"
  4. Be nice to retail employees at this time of year. Most people are utterly rude... ironic, this being CHRISTMAS and all!
  5. Eric, my brother-in-law and longtime buddy, is now comfortable enough to commit the sin of flatulence in my presence.
  6. I hope that tonight is one of those nights where Darin and I lie in bed, laughing our heads off about stupid words and phrases we just made up.
  7. I am so fortunate that I married a man with a good natural smell. Darin perpetually smells good, which is more than I can say for most men. Even his morning breath qualifies as 'cute.'
  8. I need Lulabelle.
The java has worn off and I suddenly have nothing interesting to say. The current temperature is 33 degrees. But it feels like 27 degrees. There are Southeast winds from 5-10 miles per hour, which will increase to 20-30 miles per hour as the night goes on. And then I found 20 bucks.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Happy Thanksgiving, Mr. President....

Thanksgiving with the inlaws... A strangely impersonal dinner with seventy people who eerily resemble each other. Mmmm... A home-cooked meal makes my mouth water, for my steady snack diet of grease and carbohydrates is killing me. Love to all!

Monday, November 21, 2005

Not with Child... Formally.

You know your blog is suffering when friends have removed you from their blogroll. Sigh... I'd better step this thing up. It is difficult to achieve a perfect balance between profundity, personal anecdotes, and humor. Not too serious/boring, yet not completely hung over with mental illness. Toughie.

Okay, the formal update. (As in the dance on Saturday night.) After a little off-key serenading from Darin and Justin, the girls and I headed downstairs for some pictures. We dined Deutschedly at The Heidelburg, where Darin and I finished our meals before anyone else. We like food.

Upon arrival to the botanical gardens, I overheard a certain fellow speaking about me.

"Oh, Louise is pregnant!"

The world stopped. Before that moment, I felt beautiful. That single phrase, spoken with the utmost callousness, almost destroyed my evening. Darin completely laughed the comment off, dismissing the speaker as an idiot who "ruins all our lives and eats all our steak." It took compliments and several glances in the mirror to feel reconciled to myself again. I suppose that every woman will be mistaken as preggers someday- I'm glad that my time is over. But please, never again!

For the record, I do not feel guilty that I am not pregnant yet. Many of my acquaintances (notice I don't say "close friends") wonder why my tummy ain't swelling (and married four months!) *Big Groan* People have neither tact nor ability to mind their own business.

The fact is, Darin and I can't wait to have children. But! We are enjoying every second of where we are in our lives right now. When and if God places a child in our life, Darin and I will accept it lovingly with open arms. SO WHAT if right now is not the time for us? Maybe tomorrow is.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Oily Homeschoolers with Lebanese Memories

Okay, there's a valid reason I haven't posted in a while. There's also a valid reason why my recent posts have been less than worth reading. I'll let you know when I think of said valid reason.

I spent the night at AMC (my lovely alma mater) and had a long-awaited conversation with Nat. We hadn't really had a chance to "reconnect" since she got back from her semester abroad. It was wonderful to laugh, complain, and philosophize with her again. Mona joined in for a while before we went to bed. (I also met the infamous "Suzanne." A single word sums up the interaction: Whoa. I should have heeded Corwin's nosebleed warning.)

Nat and I slept on the living room futon.
"Sweet dreams, Schmeez."
"Sweet dreams, Chinky. Pardon me if I start to undress you."
Just call me Sappho.

Now that I am a married woman, I can get away with more than I ever thought possible. *Sigh of contentment*

I slept well for the first time in weeks. After a hot shower, I trotted over to the Student Life office for coffee with Suzanne (not Whoa Suzanne) and Torie. I am convinced those women have gradually strengthened their daily dose of java to an illegal point over the past two years. (God knows they've needed it, employed at AMC and all.) Both teased me for putting too much cream in my coffee. A generous dosage of cream is absolutely crucial when the coffee actually moves by itself. It's dripping up, Tor! Just say no, gang. Just say no.

The walk from the Ark to the class building was strange. The wind chilled my nose, leaves swirled around me, and I pondered the fact that after this year, Ave Maria College will not exist. The short walk brought several recollections to me.

The tree Darin and I slept under... the sinking terror from passing Fr. Roy on the sidewalk... Dr. Izzo's constant warnings against running on the pavement... Freshman intramural ultimate frisbee... watching Darin play volleyball, furious at the apparent peace without me in his life... hurrying to theatre practice with a Drogo latte in hand... the weight of that damnable medieval history book... Ann's smile as we'd meet at the picnic table for Mudd House studying... falling constantly on that infernal Michigan ice...
joyfulness... anger... desolation...

Now my computer screen is blurry. It was one long 30-second walk.

After scandalizing/evangelizing some friends in the class building, Meghan and I enjoyed Lebanese cuisine, somewhat incoherent conversation, and a little shopping. Much to my chagrin, Psycho is not on Meghan's "Must Watch" list. I expressed my frustration to the former home-schooler (Don't deny it, Meg.)
"You're annoying me."
"I know, but that's because I can't think of anything cool to say."
A nap was in order.

The fall formal, entitled "An Evening in the Orient," is tomorrow night. Only last year was I crowned the queen- actually a defining moment in my life. In high school, the boys would call me "ugly" and "fat," while my supposed friends stood by and snickered. It still hurts when I think about it. Moral of the story: High School is Hell. Thank God for College.

Tomorrow will be mine and Darin's first formal as a married couple, wedding reception excluded. My white party dress will be more than appropriate. Heh. Heh. Look out.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

The Wisdom of John Mayer (Ironic, huh?)

I wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdictless life
Am I living it right?
Note to self: Slow down. Slow down, I tell you! This week has been nothing but work and virtually no play. Up at 5 am on Sunday for a nine-hour work day, Husband #1 working nights all week, sleeping alone (and restlessly), long work days, no cash in pocket, still haven't cleaned up from Sunday's dinner party, living on potato chips and bad coffee... Good times.

Last night I stayed with some girlfriends at my alma mater. We spent a couple hours eating veggies and dip (not to mention Panera bread and chips), just talking and collectively coping with burnout. Meghan stayed up all night starting/finishing a Dante paper; as a result of her fatigue, she went to bed with her brown slacks and belt on. That horrified me and I demanded she put on pajamas. She complied amicably enough, proceeding to make unnecessarily long statements. That was pretty funny.

This morning I drove to work, realizing I didn't have any money or food. No food? I almost perished at the thought. Darin saved the day and visited me on my lunch hour, feeding me the choicest Koney Island food and Starbucks Christmas blend. Husband #1 also bestowed a little note on my car for when I finished work.

Well, I have a lot to look forward to this week: Darin's taking me to a dance, I have Friday and Saturday free, markdowns are tomorrow, and I'll have some girl time opportunities.

Weird moment of the day: Before work, I visited the Student Life office. I unabashedly asked where our "sexy Dean of Students" was. Dr. B was certainly there, good-humored and frizzy-haired as always.

And now it's time for...
Insight: Courtesy of Mel Brooks

"Humor is just another defense against the universe."
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die."

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Ramblin' Rod

Dearest Darin,
In answer to your question, I probably will be in Phase 2 forever. My apologies.

I have been getting a lot of questions from fellow bloggers, coworkers, etc. concerning the difference between NFP and birth control. Consequently, my friends Kate and Arwen did the work for me already. Check it out. And this.

My friend/coworker Jon is an atheist. He believes that science leaves no room for the possibility of God. When he recently divulged this to me, he thought I was angry at him; I wasn't angry. I was floored. The reason I was so surprised is because in Jon, the presence of God is alive and well. He is such a selfless and loving person. For such a kind and generous man as Jon to deny the very thing that makes a home in him is frankly devastating.

The Best of Rooms
Christ, he requires still, wheresoe'er He comes,
To feed, or lodge, to have the best of rooms:
Give Him the choice; grant Him the nobler part
Of all the house: the best of all's the heart.

--Robert Herrick, from Christ's Part (1647)

hug from behind
Hug from Behind - You like to feel what the other person is feeling and see things how they see them. You tend to be serious and emotional.

What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

"I Wish I Could Clone You."

My manager Pam said that to me this afternoon. A kind compliment, for certain. I didn't go into the ethics of cloning with her, but I was tempted. Oh, was I tempted. Ahem....

I have been discovering (reluctantly) that each day can be a good one if I make it that way. It is a little scary knowing that I have the power whether or not to screw up the day. For example, I had to wake up at 5 am this morning to get to work on time. It actually hurt to get up- I was so tired. I actually considered staying in bed. Instead, I put a carrot in front of my nose- a large cup of Tim Horton's hazelnut coffee. I changed my clothes, straightened my hair, and kissed Darin goodbye. (He nodded in response to my affection. Nodded! He doesn't remember me even leaving.) I drove to Tim's and ordered. Sometimes coffee tastes better when you don't make it. Sigh... $1.40 can buy happiness. Unfortunately, it's only temporary.

The point is, I can decide whether to let the 8 Long Lady bother me or not! (She haunts the GAP, lives in the fitting room for hours, and orders us to find every 8 long in the store only to return the pants the following day.) I can decide to not be bothered by my malicious/catty elder sister. I can choose to love Darin despite the fact that Phase 1 approaches. (Know your NFP, people!)

To tell you the truth, I don't necessarily want this control; it's easier to blame others. Awful, but true. But then again, my days wouldn't be as sweet. Or acidic.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Monday, Monday

I had a lovely time with several of my friends last night- drinking Bailey's and coffee, watching movies, and playing poker. It was nice to finally have my friends over. After Justin, Mel, Sean, Chris, Joe, and Kelly left for home, Natalie, Meghan, Theo, Mona, and Crazy Tom stayed the night. We watched the beloved 80s classic Some Kind of Wonderful. That was my Sunday. I slept until noon and am going to have lunch with Darin soon. My apologies for this biting post. Yes, it really does bite.

This list is written happily at Havilah's request. Ten things I would do had I an exorbitant amount of money:
  1. I would take Mom and my three sisters on a clothes shopping spree. Only one catch- I must approve everything they buy. Mwa ha ha! We would hit all the hole-in-the-wall boutiques as well as the mall.
  2. Get facials and massages on a frequent basis.
  3. I would buy a beautiful home in the country (close to a larger city). Near enough to my family, but far enough from my family. This house would be complete with indoor pool, hot tub, music room, home gym, picket fence, and stone counters.
  4. Travel everywhere with my husband. I would also have a Girl's Only trip to Europe every summer with my buds.
  5. I would buy Darin and I each a car, plus a little white convertible for me in the summertime.
  6. Record a CD and produce the heck out of it.
  7. Go to the theatre and opera every Saturday night.
  8. Purchase new homes for my brother Dave, Mom and Dad, and sister Faith.
  9. Get my mom better. Take her to some real doctors.
  10. I would host a huge Christmas party every year, complete with dancing, banquet, drinks, etc. It would last an entire weekend.
Monday Monday, can't trust that day,
Monday Monday, sometimes it just turns out that way

Oh Monday morning, you gave me no warning of what was to be

Oh Monday Monday, how could you leave and not take me?

-Mamas and the Papas

Hope your Monday turns out better than Mama Cass.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Absence Makes the Heart grow Fungus

ME going CRAZY! (Can you imagine?) Darin left me, his gorgeous wife, for the weekend. Just to visit a good friend that he hasn't seen in years. Gosh, where are this guy's priorities? Anyway, I am kinda lonely just sitting at home... watching Simpsons reruns... drinking coffee... playing obsolete computer games... leaving messes... not making the bed... Wait a minute, THIS IS GREAT!

When it comes down to it, I'd definitely rather have Husband #1 here. I hate the fact that we don't see each other very much, let alone spend the night together. Unfortunately, the non-togetherness negatively affects the little time we have together. Sigh... poor little guy... I wonder what he's doing now... (cut to scene of Darin sipping apple martinis on a warm beach)

Sidenote: I love the fact the when I run spellcheck on this blog, "Darin" comes up as "Drain." Absolutely hilarious.

I already had my Jazzercise class this fine morning, so I'm kickin' it with my buddy Justin in a little while- maybe visit with some girlfriends after that, then home for a very important nap. Oh, and I need to finish my latest Agatha Christie. So many things to do on a day off from work. How can I live with all this chaos, you may ask? Coffee. Lots of good Starbucks Italian Roast coffee. There, you have my secret. Now give me some candy.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Blue Label Applesauce. Applesauce IS tasty.

I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. -J.R.R. Tolkien

I may despise it next week, but my job is splendid fun right now. Pardon my lack of humility, but I am really good at it. The managers are getting a little suspicious at how many customer compliments I receive. Even The Scary Turtleneck Lady was impressed. I will take over the world using fashion retail. Ye have been warned.

"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally." -W.C. Fields

It was a historic day in Louise and Darin Land. For the first time in history, Husband #1 purchased certain feminine products for Wife #1 from the local CVS. Congratulations, you two!

"A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on." -William S. Burroughs

Women actually come into the GAP asking for "high-waisted, tapered jeans." I have successfully converted some of them to bootcut or the Long and Lean (a GAP staple and my personal favorite.) It has been a challenge to tactfully explain how the tapered jean is unflattering, a detriment to every woman's wardrobe, and just plain ugly. Some women welcome the change, and others... I guess they actually like looking like a pregnant popsicle.

My alma mater is hosting a trip to Rome this summer. I am so there. This is a dream come true! Spending two weeks in Europe with two of my favorite professors, close friends, and husband. Since I am currently childless and unpregnant (just in case you were wondering), it's the perfect opportunity. Ich bin sehr glucklich! Ja ja!! (Not the sisterhood.)

God bless thee; and put meekness in thy mind, love, charity, obedience, and true duty! -William Shakespeare