Thursday, December 07, 2006

An Unsuccessful Attempt at Schmeez Droppings

I feel great today. Not only is it Week #2 with my slightly-evil boss on a forced 7-month maternity leave, but I can wear my cowboy boots today. How are these two things related? You must not know me very well.

Why is it that I won't get up right now to go to the bathroom? I've felt the urge for about an hour, yet those MySpace and Facebook pages had to be updated, dammit! The world's social fate rests on whether or not I've updated my current status! No one understands me.

Darin and I are looking at condos on Friday. Mucho expensive, but we need it. It's been a blessing living in the fishbowl, but we need our own place. As do my brother and sister-in-law. It's been fun being freeloaders.

Liberals are whiny.

I need to take a shower. Get up, Louise. Come on, you need to go to work soon. You'll feel better, I promise. Your armpits won't stick together anymore if you just go take a shower. Do it. Come on, you don't even have to wash your hair. Do you remember the last time you took a shower? You need this. JUST GO!!!

Huh? What was that?!? My apologies, esteemed bloggers. Hey, Maury Povich is on!

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

I'm a natural goth in winter. Fair skin, brownie-black hair, and chains practically dripping off my emaciated body. Okay, maybe not that last part. Nevertheless, it was time for a change.

I made an appointment with the local beauty school. They've never had the fortune of my patronage, but I remember that neon "$4.95 Haircuts" sign from my childhood. I asked the front desk lady for highlights, and I got them. Three and a half hours later. (Seriously, people! Does it truly take that long to get your hair colored?)

Ines, my very young hairdresser, was a definite newbie. When I sat down at her humble hair station, I asked what color would most compliment my skin. Her response was a look of horror, followed by, "Urg, let me get a second opinion."

While Ines put the bleach on my hair, she whimpered, "I hate coloring hair. I try to avoid it whenever I can." Thanks, Ines. Maybe you should consider a different profession. Her teacher would periodically come by, critiquing and offering suggestions. Ines complained, "Jenny, will you stop? It's creepy! Creepy!!" I just sat silently, wondering when I would be released from this chemically-imbalanced hell-hole.

Two excruciating hours later, Ines left me for awhile to let the color set. "Would you like a magazine, Louis?" Groan.

"I'd love a magazine." My bottom was getting sore, and something to read would take my mind off it.

She returned with a copy of Women and Cancer.

Anyway, here's the finished product. Something fun, something different, something I won't do again any time soon.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

I Frighten Celebrities

I'm not a huge TV person, but I do have my favorites (think American Idol, Malcolm in the Middle). When it comes to those few favorites, TLC's "What Not To Wear" has been my pet reality show since its birth four years ago. So, imagine my excitement when Josh hands me a flyer advertising Clinton Kelly arrival to Nordstrom's next weekend!

The day arrives. I managed to get my lunch break at 2- just in time to meet my mom and run to Nordy's. We searched the top floor, the bottom floor, the shoe section, everywhere. Clinton was nowhere to be found. Disappointed, we ambled to Starbucks for consolation in the form of chai. I went back to the world of retail, only to find that my coworkers had seen Clinton. At Macy's.

I flipped out, took my fifteen-minute break early, and rushed to Macy's in the hopes that Clinton hadn't left. He hadn't left- he was signing autographs! I tried to get in line, but a Macy's wench had cut it off. I hurried to the front of the line and saw him. He looked just like he looks on TV, only taller, cuter, and much nicer-smelling. He was busy signing books, bodyguards in tow, horribly dressed overweight women fawning over him asking, "How do I look?" He cheerfully responded, "Awful." That's my Clinton.

I desperately wanted his attention. I had to say something. Something brilliant. Something that would make him remember me. If I didn't I would regret it for the rest of my- - - day. For heaven's sake, I was standing five feet in front of him! I shrieked,

"Clinton, I love you! I've been looking all over for you! I thought you were at Nordstrom!"

Sheesh. Clinton's reaction? See below.

Is he a vampire? An angry cat? Joe Hemmerling imitating Father Roy? NO!

Clinton Kelly is laughing at my wit. Laughing at ME! With bonus eye contact! *sigh*

I sprinted back to work happily; unbeknownst to me, my mother was on the receiving end of a "warm and strong" hug from Mr. Kelly at that very moment. Wench.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Like Totally

Here's a dumb survey that I recently contributed to MySpace, the spawn of Satan.
The sole reason I even have a MySpace account is to piss off my sister. And meet middle-aged men.

01. You have 10 bucks and need to get snacks at a gas station. What do you get?
Twinkies, gum, and Snapple



An omelette! With coffee and pancakes.

Ordeal by Innocence, by Agatha Christie


Gasp! Stretchy boy shorts, if you must know.

A cat scratch from Maestro, yesterday.

Katherine- she's brilliant, entertaining, and would have us out in no time.


Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers

12. SODA?
Dr. Pepper

Chocolate- the kind that you actually cook on the stove.

Red/ pink stripe

Not yet.

A little convertible that flies

around 50

All except Tom.

Darin's outbursts of song

"Letter to Three Wives" -Classic Movie Tuesdays!

Cure for all cancer

Jimmy Stewart

Parts of Salem, Portland, and Ypsi

Yellow with ganache on top


Last night



4 months

Yeah- why again?

"Darin, what's the last thing I said out loud?"

A prayer book Darin picked up at Church


01. Have you ever really cried your heart out?: Yes.
02. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?: Yes.
03. Have you ever cried on your friend's shoulder?: Yes.
04. Have you ever cried over the opposite sex?: Yes.
05. Do you cry when you get an injury?: More out of frustration than anything.
06. Do certain songs make you cry?: If I'm in the right mood. "Lighthouse" by Nickel Creek does it for me sometimes.

01. Are you a happy person?: Yes.
02. What can always make you happy?: Kittens
03. Do you wish you were happier?: Yes
04. Is being happy overrated?: Huh?
05. Can music make you happy?: Of course! It's food for the soul.

01. Who do you actually hate?: Unfortunately, I hate one person.
02. Have you ever made a hit list?: No!
03. Have you ever been on a hit list?: I sure hope not!
04. Are you a mean bully?: No, I am a softy.
05. Do you hate George Bush?: No. There's enough hate in the world.

1. Do you think you are good looking?: Sometimes.
2. Do you wish you could be someone else? No. I like me.

01. Current hair color? Nutty brown
02. Whats your natural color?: Nuttier brown
03. What color are your eyes?: Poop brown
05. Straight Hair or Curls?: Straight and unruly

01. What shirt are you wearing?: I changed into a black T.
02. Shorts/pants?: Flannel striped pants
03. Shoes?: Socks
04. Necklaces?: Yes, my Holy Spirit necklace

01. Rock or rap?: Rock
03. Wild night out or romantic night in?: Out, then in afterwards.
05. Hummer or Sports Car?: Sports car.
06. Bracelet or Necklace?: Necklace
07. History or Science?: History
08. Sleep in or early to rise?: Sleep in, but I wish I wanted to rise early.
09. Beach or Boardwalk?: Beach
10. Hoodie or Tee Shirt?: Hoodie.
11. Night or Day?: Day
12. High School or College?: College
13. California or Florida?: Cali!!!
14. Love at first sight or learn to love?: Learn to love

01. Hugged someone?: Are you serious?
02. Been on the phone until the sun came up?: No.
03. Put a song on repeat for more than an hour?: No.
04. Laughed so hard you peed in your pants?: No.

01. Last person you talked to in person: Darin
02. Person you talked to online?: Angel
03. Person you talked to on the phone?: My sister Sarah
04. Person you texted?: I never text.
05. Person to text you?: Some perv from Myspace.

01. Do you like surveys?: Yes
02. What kind of shampoo do you use?: John Frieda's Brunette
03. You get along with your parents?: Yes
04. Do you have mental breakdowns?: I get emotional and frustrated sometimes.
05. Did you ever fake being sick?: No, actually. I should try it.
01. Current mood?: Mellow
02. Current music?: Folk
03. Current hair?: Absolutely perfect. ;-)
04. Current desktop picture?: Jesus on the Cross, actually. It keeps me focused.

Now you completely know me.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

My So-Called Hemorroid

Here are the pictures you've all been waiting for! Enter into the mysterious life of Louise.
No turning back now.

My 14-year-old dog, Pepper.
She's Basset, Cocker Spaniel, Dachshund, and Beagle

The view from the back porch and kitchen. There are usually about 50 sheep in the field. This is also where the coyotes like to be at night.

My brother and sister-in-law's wonderful dog, Fiona.
She kills raccoons! Fetches sticks! Rolls in poop! Loves to be held! Runs like hell!

This is Panda, the sweetest kitten of them all. I saved her life a few weeks ago when she have a horrible sinus infection.

She's a little bit inbred, though. Her father also happens to be her grandpa.

This is The Fishbowl.
It has just enough room for our couch, bed, and computer. To the left is the main house where Dave and Lili live- we use their kitchen and bathroom.

This is Darin's kitten, Milton. He loves to sit on Darin's shoulder for hours. Speaking of Darin, he has his own blog now.

And yes, that is mac & cheese next to Milton.

I named this bully of a hen after my college friend Katherine, in honor of her family's chicken farm. Heil!

I'm a pretty lucky person.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Cup o' Corn Squeezins

Now that I'm a hick, my overall mentality has slightly changed.

I used to check people. com twice a day- now I check email once a week when I visit my parents with their highly-advanced Netscape dial-up.

Dawson's Creek reruns and reality TV has been replaced with George MacDonald and Red Rose tea.

My current idea of a microwave is setting a plate of food in the sun, ready to eat in one hour.

Because T-Mobile in Oregon is useless, I have no contact with faraway friends, enemies, or acquaintances. I would write, but I don't have anyone's address.

I think my car used to be green.

I'm surprised I can actually remember how to type on this keyboard. I'm going a little nutty, pardner. Thank God I'm starting Jazzercise tomorrow.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

i am not worthy

I am a disgrace to the blogging community. Therefore, I will humble myself by forsaking capitalization.

life is beautiful, hectic, always fun, and always mentally-ill. darin and i work constantly, commuting to work an hour each way. we just moved in with my brother and sister-in-law, so the commute will incredibly lessen. we have a little house that is right next to theirs- just enough room for books, couch, and bed. we call it "the fishbowl" because of the huge windows and lack of curtains.

living in the countryside has been amazing. the best things in life- berry-picking at sunrise, washing my face with the garden hose, cuddling newborn kittens, the glorious view of mountains and forest, the river within walking distance... i am in heaven!

i just discovered that my college friend anna just moved to the very farm that dave and lili rent on! right across the street! it's wonderful to have someone so close so near to me. i was in serious need of feminine companionship.

i still feel really guilty for not posting. bloody hell, i'll abandon punctuation as well!

thanks for reading my blog i will make more of an effort to post i am now managing at the biggest gap in oregon i am excited to relinquish my peon status why doesn't my brother have internet how can i live rather how can you live without my wisdom and schmeez droppings

uggghhh now i know what rosie odonnells sick blog feels like

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

A $2000 Friendship

It all started when my sister had a hankering for some hair dye.

We walked three blocks to the local market, chatting and pondering what color she should try. Fifteen minutes later, we made the purchase (a chocolatey-brown for those who are interested) and exited the building.

Both of us stopped abruptly in our tracks. There she was.

Friends, meet Doris. My new car.

Long live 'For Sale by Owner' cars in the parking lot!

Thursday, July 27, 2006

The End is Near

Well, the two-week Southern Cali vacation is over- Darin and I head back up to the Pacific Northwest today. And not a moment too soon! I miss the hot days and cool nights, the best coffee in North America, the crisp air, the occasional cloudy sky... By the way, cloudy days in the PN are gorgeous, not depressing- I've called them "Poet's Days" since I was nine.

One thing I am not looking forward to? Seeing Dad in his underwear.

It's inevitable. There hasn't been a single visit without seeing my pasty father in his sick, white, thinning briefs. The question is, when? When I collect clean clothes from the dryer? A bathroom visit at 3 am? My morning coffee? Nothing is safe anymore, I tell you!

I must remember not to raise my voice after he goes to bed. If anything comes in the way between Dad and the Sandman, take warning sailor. A naked monster will emerge, grunting exclamations: "Uh? Ugh? I'm trying to sleep! Uh!"

I'll keep you posted.

On a fully-clothed note, my uncle gave me an exquisite amber necklace in gratitude for house and dog-sitting while he was in Poland. He doesn't surprise me with the unwelcome sights of hairless thighs and saggy rears.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

One year

Today is my first wedding anniversary. Hot diggity dog! There is no emoticon for what I am feeling right now.

This past year proved to be a dysfunctional cornucopia of laughter, uncertainty, pain, joy, and bodily functions. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..." Yeah, somewhat like the French Revolution.

I made a most important discovery about myself. I make a very poor wife. Before you start consoling the computer ("Oh, Louise, don't say that!"), it's completely true. In our first year of marriage, I barely cooked, cleaned, paid bills, or contributed to any sort of marital duties.

That was harder to type than I thought.

This caused a few difficulties, as you can imagine. Darin as the responsible man of all men, myself as the somewhat inconsiderate roommate. (It didn't help that we had almost opposite work/school schedules, resulting in too many lonely nights.) We argued about it, I cried and pouted, Darin grunted... He wanted to know exactly why I wouldn't help him. I didn't even know. It took a good eight months to figure out why I, a hardworking and compassionate person, a 'dem fine gel', could not bring myself to take on the role of WIFE.


I couldn't do it. If I committed myself to this marriage whole-heartedly, I would lose myself. I would lose my individuality, my person. I would lose Louise. This thought was excruciating. I like me.

Why did it take almost eight months to realize this? Well, I am Louise, after all. But now that I know what was holding me back from giving God and Darin all that I can possibly give, it can be fixed. "I'm not dead yet!"

And can I say how happy I am to be back home? Apartment living in Southern Michigan really brings out the worst in people. So glad to be home. It's much easier to sacrifice. (OK, that was meant to be ironic.) Sigh... And through it all, my husband still likes me.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

This one's Accredited.

The University of Blogging

Presents to

An Honorary
Bachelor of

Majoring in
Self Deprecation


Two Names You Go By:
1. Weezy
2. Lou

Two Parts of Your Heritage:
1. Czech
2. Native American (but not enough to get a scholarship)

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. Orange beads
2. Black bermudas

Two Things You Would Want in a Relationship:
1. Laughter
2. Risk

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies:
1. Playing in water
2. Reading while taking a hot bath

Two Things You Want Really Badly At The Moment:
1. for Elliott Yamin to win American Idol
2. Summer clothes

Two pets you had/have:
1. My beloved cat Lulabelle
2. My deaf/blind/awesome mutt Pepper

Two people who will fill this out:
1. Angel
2. Emily

Two things you did last night:
1. Watched American Idol
2. Drank chai

Two Favorite Places to eat:
1. Travel Cafe in Portland
2. Red Robin

Two things you ate today:
1. Latte for breakfast
2. Chili dog for lunch

Two people you Last Talked To:
1. Darin
2. Mona

Two Things You're doing tomorrow:
1. Working
2. Playing with Meghan and Mona???

Two longest car rides:
1. From Oregon to Ohio last summer
2. From St. Paul to San Bernandino on NET

Two Favorite Holidays:
1. Christmas
2. Thanksgiving

Tuesday, May 09, 2006


Per request, feast your googly eyes on some pictures from my alma mater's reunion. There is no need for further text.

All the Spirit Award recipients in the history of AMC

Torie managed to get her uncle's awesome swing band to perform

It just wouldn't be an Ave function without frightening a beloved professor

I can't stand this guy.

Sean and Thom: The truth is OUT!

Erica and Louise: together again. RUN AWAY!

I peer-pressured Angel into having one more drink.

Hey, I can look like a normal person!
The possibilities!

Thursday, May 04, 2006

That's Family!

The oddest little imp of a friend stayed over last night. Angel manages to spread joy good advice wherever she goes. Angel's cure for AIDS:

"Be straight. Be monogamous. Don't boink the first person you meet in a bathhouse."

Yes, it's wonderful to have her around again.

Easter was a month ago, but I suffer yet from its effects. Darin and I spent a few days at 'the laws'... I'm simply going to describe Easter dinner, for one needs nothing else to understand.

Mr. Dad, Mrs, Mom, Crabby Grandma, Deaf Grandpa, brother Eric, Darin, and I chewing on a simple Easter feast...

I greet Grandma with a "It's good to see you again!"

Three. Second. Pause.

She finally responds with a high-pitched "Yeah!"

The meal conversation consists of the medication Grandma and Grandpa consistently take. "How many pills do you take a day?" "Woo! Mercy!" "Why exactly do you take them?" "I'm so glad I don't have to take any of those." "How much does it cost you a month?"

"Two-hundred and fifty dollars?! Each of you?"

Mrs. Mom nibbles thoughtfully on a chunk of ham and ponders, "It seems better to die young."

I choke on my Midwestern casserole and began to laugh, hoping she isn't serious. She is.

Darin attempts to change the subjects by producing his latest piece of sculpture to Crabby Grandma. It's a two-foot bronze and plaster sculpture of a beautifully crafted pair of hands. She glances at it, sniffs, and says, "That'd make a good doorstop."

I cough nervously and ask Grandpa some commonplace question. Too late- he's pretty deaf. Grandma volunteers, "He was a pilot in the war."

"Pilot!! I wasn't no pilot! I was a mechanic!" Sheesh. I know he's her second husband and all, but sheesh.

The meal finally ends and the grown-ups retire to the family room to watch Aunt Kay's video of the newest miracle product to hit the market.

Thank God for family! They make great blog material.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Back from the dea- HOLY CRAP!

Anyone get that Strong Bad reference? Ahem.

Since my blogging sabbatical, I chopped and darkened my hair, absorbed unhealthy amounts of Canadian fiction, took daily baths whether I need them or not, promoted, performed in a play, inhaled coffee, and avoided cleaning the apartment.

Oh, and I gave birth to twins and finally wrote that "I'm-Setting-the-Catholic-World-on-Fire" dramatic piece. (I hope you know I'm kidding. I'm such a kidder.)

In payment for my absence, I will share somewhat embarrassing tidbits of my newlywed life. Sorry, husband.

Darin continues to amuse me with his nocturnal chatter and odd habits. For example!

"ARGH! That's ridiculous!!"
"I'll just have some NyQuil with a side of ribs."
"I know I logged off, but it's okay."

Today I discovered that Darin cups his hands over his ears in the shower so shampoo doesn't creep in. I'm not sure why, but that's kinda cute.

And here is where I owe my darling husband an apology. A couple nights ago, Darin and buddy Carl stayed up into the wee hours working on a website. Since I had an early work day ahead of me, I crashed earlier than usual. I slept peacefully and didn't even notice when Darin scrambled into bed. My lovely slumber didn't last much longer.

I awoke to a smell... a stench, rather... a motley of sewage, burning rubber, and brown rice... I gasped and abruptly sat up.

"Did you just...?"

Darin squealed, jumped, and began fanning the blankets in attempt to dilute the foul odor, failing miserably of course. David just couldn't beat Goliath. Now, this sorry event could have ended up in divorce for some couples, but Darin and I settled our- differences- and ended the night with a tickle fight and hug. Let this be a lesson to you.

It's my bedtime, friends! Wish me luck.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Goodbye, Fat Pants

An unfailing source of comfort. A non-addictive sleeping pill. Blindness to flaw. Tenderness, acceptance. Unpretentious and mysterious.

These are a mere few of the endless delights offered by my fat pants.

The palest of grey cotton jersey, the mesh of the vertical blue stripe along each leg, the everlasting brown carressing the cuffs... these pants have journeyed from Target's "last chance" rack to Annie to Torie to Natalia... ending with me, only to perish at the hands of my own husband.

Darin recently said to me, "Louise, I don't see how you can feel any less than gross in those things." How could I have not seen the extent of his hatred?!

Woe! I, nor anyone else, will ever lay eyes on my beloved fat pants again. They are gone forever, taking their final asthmatic breaths in a landfill. *wistful sigh*

Will I ever experience comfortable sloth again? More importantly, will I ever love again?

Woe! Woe to the Fat Pants! Woe to memory! Convenience! Questionable stains!

Woe to Darin, who will suffer greatly henceforth. Poophead.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Rest in Peace

From Mr. Wilson to Mahluli to Darin...

We'll miss you, ghetto Saturn.

Darin and I are driving back to the inlaws today to pick up a car for temporary usage.

Why did you have to die, ghetto Saturn? With your mismatched fender and crooked steering?

*single tear*

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Too Lazy for a Real Post

It is Spring Break at my alma mater. This is why I am perpetually present, pretending that I am, once again, a brooding college student. Some tibidgins:

A toast to Quentin Tarantino

Monica, the girl in every picture

Meghan and Monica's death wish

A ten-minute study break with Shakespeare and Oscar Wilde

I'm running off to work now. Ciao, my loves!

Friday, March 03, 2006

In the Name of Love... and chili beans.

I wish my inlaws didn't infuriate/amuse me the way they do. Before I continue, let me express my undertstanding that most of the annoyance lies within my own weakness. I really do love them dearly.
That being said, it's time for some

Schmeez Droppings
Thoughts, Realizations, and Excremental Wisdom

  • I love Eric, Darin's younger brother. We were on NET together in 2000, and can easily communicate and tease each other. I enjoy spending time with him, despite his poor taste in film. (C'mon, Unbreakable?!) Anyway, he's cool, intelligent, and a taller version of Darin. Plus he laughs at my jokes.
  • Brian, on the other hand... This Recon Marine cannot maintain a conversation unless it regards himself. His wife is the same way. If ever I volunteer information, Brian and Sharron look at me in a slightly puzzled manner and quickly revert the topic back to themselves or their children. Brian is rude, crass, and egocentric. A typical conversation:
Brian: "Louise, if you saw my fist come flying at your face, would you be scared?"
Me: "Uh, yeeah..."
Brian: "So would I!" (guffaws)
  • Why does Mr. Dad avoid good books? I desperately want to introduce him to some Fathers and Doctors of the Church. He has never even touched the Confessions. He is a huge follower of Poem of the Man God and stuff by "Anne" the Lay Apostolate. Momma say Whaa?
  • My mom-in-law is very small, sweet, and considerate. That is why I feel so badly when she annoys me. If she was boisterous, it would be easier. This woman has two characteristics which I cannot hope to ever understand. She mutters and hovers. While the family sits down at table with after-dinner coffee, Mrs. Mom will not join in. She quietly leans over the conversators, wiping up every microscopic crumb, slowly and without a sound. I want to scream, "For Aslan's sake, woman!!! SIT DOWN!!"
  • If there is any kind of wait at a restaurant, she wants to leave. If there are leftovers in the fridge, she force-feeds. If someone double-dips, she shows more emotion than if someone swears in front of the children.
  • What would you do if your eldest brother-in-law smacked you on your bottom? Hard?
  • I got into a debate with Mr. Dad about interracial marriages. He says that the child of a mixed marriage will not be accepted by either race. I pause for effect. He is slave to the ludicrous idea that all black people are from the ghetto and participate in drive-by shootings. Love does not play into his arguments at all... Isn't the point of marriage to bring the other person to heaven? He was absolutely appalled when I revealed that despite their strict dating rules, my parents made it clear to me that it did not matter which race I married into. He also wasn't aware that I have a 1/2 & 1/2 for an aunt- half black, half hispanic. Don't mess with me, buddy. Mr. Dad also thinks leftys should be trained at a young age to be right-handed. My case is rested.
  • Brian's kids are adorable. I had a lot of fun playing with them. Good times.
  • I do love my in-laws! I do! I am just completely happy to settle back into my cluttered apartment, with my own coffee and Splenda and computer and schedule.
  • GIYOOO!!!
  • Meghan and I are doing a scene from Twelfth Night. I am utterly excited, as I have never done Shakey before. I am Olivia, she is Viola- completely appropriate. I see it as a throwback to the AMC newspaper caption under a pic of Meghan and I from "The Importance of Being Earnest": Louise and Meghan are two young woman in love. Maybe so.
  • I am singing a love song with Dr. A as well. From Evita?! As Angel would say with her head down on the table: "Three shots!"
  • American Idol rocks my little Catholic world; Darin and I love Elliott. Any thoughts on this adorably toothy guy from the south?
Off to work. I have 30 minutes to pack an overnight-bag, get dressed, have lunch, make a snack, straighten my hair, and canoodle with Darin. Ciao!

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Stay Tuned

Okay, so I got back a day later than anticipated. Let me recover from my Weekend with the Inlaws. Yeah, this one's gonna be good.

Until tomorrow, my loves.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Mawidge bwings us togevah!

Darin has a habit of talking in his sleep. Consequently, this occurs during the nights I need sleep most. Some choice quotes:

"What? You're wearing that?!"


"No way. You ain't getting NUTTIN' from me!"

He picked up my hand, felt my fingers, and said, "I don't like little things like this. Do you?"

"Hey manny man man!"

I swear he spoke Chinese two weeks ago.

Since I'm too lazy to write a real post, here's some other Darin/Louise tibidgins:

"Darin, sick! You just threw your scab on the floor!"
"Better get your socks on!"

"Gimme a kiss, Louise. One little peck. Try it on for size."
"But you're wearing a turtleneck."

Now, escape from my little world while you can.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Time Out

Think of Mona's family and pray for the repose of her wonderful father's soul!

I would have cropped the above picture, but the sacrifice of Corwin's marvelous thumb wasn't an option. I'll be back soon.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Bursting Oil

Per request of Darin, I write this post.

Blame him.

Back when I was circa fifteen, I would often visit the B family. These wealthy loggers/realtors owned a vast 40,000 acres which included a gorgeous lake. Swimming, boating, salamander catching, crawdad roasting... a perfect place to channel the stinky and dirty side of life. While enjoying the scenery, of course.

One afternoon, a B son and I canoed around the lake, exploring hidden inlets and apprehending minnows. At one point the bottom of the canoe hit a stump, causing me to jerk forward and lay my hand on my friend's back to steady myself.

Comedy happened.

The boy winced in pain, shrugged his shoulders up to his ears, and fairly screamed with a nasal "OW! My ACNE!"

This phrase has oozed its way (pardon the pun) into my marriage's vocabulary. Darin often mentions the pubescent trials of "winter backne." I recently reached for my moisturizer only to see "Crackne Medication" written on it.

Has this jest from my past reached its inevitable demise?

No. Pimples will always be funny.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Of Pimples and Sealing Wax

Marriage has helped me become more vulnerable. To be precise, I've completely passed over the vulnerability stage and into the uncharted realm of obscenity. Mom will be so proud.

Me: "I'm embarrassed... I am getting a huge zit."
Darin: "That's okay, I get 'em all the time. We can be Pimple Pals."

I would further this thread if I was assured that only females read this blog, but as many of my readers are friends of the male species (I love yins) and gross old men with a taste for saucy brunettes (stop calling me), my hands are tied. Moving on...

I don't really care what any other human being thinks of me except my husband. He is the only one who has ever heard the ridiculous phrase, "Do I look fat?" pass through my lips. Only he has to reassure me that I am attractive, intelligent, unique, and amusing. I just assume that everyone else feels the same way; if they don't, I'll make sure to forget the fact.

Speaking of fat nudity, Darin set up a massage appointment for me tomorrow morning!

*grateful bow*

I have never received a professional massage before. All previous massages have been from loving amateurs:

My brother Dave- "This is a good one, Chew. I call this... THE DEATH GRIP!!!" I cry.

Megen- "Lou, you're soooo tense!" She repeats this phrase throughout the massage, defeating its purpose.

Erica- "Schmeeeeeez... [insert little made-up song]"

Indignant Darin- "Two minutes is more than enough!"

Mona- A ten-minute hand massage to prep me for a tough night of paper writing.

Mandy- "Walking on the back is good for you!"

Justin- "Are you sure Darin won't come in?"

That androgynous hobo on the bus- I don't want to talk about it.

Although I am entering into a new stage in life's twisting journey, please know that I will not reject you, nor your offers to manipulate my tissues. Until then.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Oh God. Petey's dead.

*contented sigh*

I am currently sprawled out on the carpet with my lappy, sipping French Roast, clad in oversized pajamas. Snow is lightly falling, I am well-rested, and the apartment is cleaner than usual. Napoleon says "YES!"

Last night I made espresso drinks at the college for a study/game night. It was so much fun to have everyone together again- I miss that! Afterwards, I chatted with Nat for a while- long overdue, I must say. Let's all support Natalie on her journey to Mexican food.

Schmeez Droppings
Thoughts, Realizations, and Excremental Wisdom
  • If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
  • Chris Felix is my hero. Remember the post when I was in the depths of despair after Pat D. said (very maliciously, I must add) that I looked pregnant? Well, months later, Chris saw Pat. He punched the latter in the arm the only way an L.A. native can. Pat asked, "Why did you do that?!" Chris answered, "That's for what you said to Louise at the dance." Isn't that the best thing you've heard? For those of you who know Pat, I am sure this is very satisfying for you. Mwa ha ha! Chris, you rock my world!!! Napoleon says "YES!"
  • Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. (For more, print this out.)
  • Girls, nautical is in. Go to the Value World and stock up on sailor pants, stripey shirts, espadrilles, and salt water taffy.
  • I had a good four days off earlier this week. People, I spent it downloading free King's Quest-ish PC games. I didn't leave the chair for anything except Jazzercise and sustenance. SICK, I tell you! SICK! I'm sure Corwin relates.
  • I went for drinks with Meg and Danny. Very fun! Three alcoholic beverages later, I called Darin to inform him I wouldn't be home that night. In true Lou fashion, I woke up bright and early, feeling wonderfully rested. *groan* I drove back at 6am, crawled into bed with sleeping husband, and slept until noon.
  • My new favorite band- Pink Martini! My bro introduced me to these Portland-based talents. Here's their own description: "Somewhere between a 1930s Cuban dance orchestra, a classical chamber music ensemble, a Brasilian marching street band and Japanese film noir is the 12-piece Pink Martini." Choice.
  • I'm now on to my second cup of coffee. Giyoooo!
  • Valentine's Day is coming- ready your firearms!
Meow, baby.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

My heart will go on and on and on...

I was just scrounging through my honeymoon photos when I came across this. Darin noticed this actual advertisement during a walk through the park. We had a good laugh over it.

Can anyone think of a worthy caption?

Saturday, January 28, 2006

These Crazy Pills are Delightful!

"I was picking my nose and looking at my computers, that's all!"

Darin is funniest when he doesn't mean to be. He constantly makes unexpected, strange comments, causing me to laugh like I'm taking crazy pills. (Unexpected and strange?!? Add bacon and it's a perfect combo meal!) I spend a lot of time rolling on the carpet during our conversations. Here's the typical rundown of things-
  1. Darin makes funny statement without realizing its potential.
  2. I laugh.
  3. Darin thinks, "You like that, huh? Well, listen to this!"
  4. Darin expands on previous statement, this time not too funny.
  5. Laughter dwindles.
  6. Darin repeats first successful statement with confidence.
  7. Laughter resumes.
I like him.

*Untimely change of topic*

I asked Angel tonight if she feels slightly embarrassed to reveal her occupation when asked by current AMC affiliates. Angel, like me, currently associates with the work-a-day secular world. Little imp answered me with a resounding "YES!" (So glad I'm not alone in this.)

"YES! Lord, YES! Actually, I'm setting the world on fire with a new Catholic drama. And I am the personal secretary to Mel Gibson!"

Oh, Angel. What are you up to now... *personal joke- ask me if interested*

I miss my girl friends. Poor Darin's estrogen levels are at an all-time high from listening to my "feelings" and weird feminine psycho-babble. The guy lives in a cross-bred world of American Idol, polka-dots, and menstrual cycles. When he starts moisturizing, I'll begin to worry.

A special shout-out (is that the term the kids are using these days?) to neighbor-girl Mandy who consented to marry long-time beau Justin. Break out the AirHog!

And there I was, naked in Shoprite.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

A Pocketful of Splenda

It was so great to see Darin again! He is my sole consolation in regards to my return to this grey, cold, world. *agonized scream*

I arrived yesterday evening, sore rear in hand. Fully convinced that I would burst into tears at any moment, Darin jumped out the of car. He was so happy to see me and... giddy, actually. I'm glad to be back. Good ol' Darin. I don't know what I'd do without him.

Then, *edited for content*

*edited for content*

And *edited for content*

Yes, it is good to be back.

Oh, and why the unrelated title? I really do have Splenda in my pocket. As the official sweetener of Room 37, I pilfer at least ten packets per coffeehouse visit.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Day 4 1/2

Consensus: Dial-up is the devil's spawn.

I have a few good posts in the works, however, completion is futile between Tib's bellows and Mom's ramblings.

Example: She looked up my name on myspace... she noticed that my status was "single." I never thought I'd have to say to my own mother, "No, I am not looking for guys on the internet!"
Change the default profile settings, people. Change them now.
I'm glad I can laugh about this.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Day 1

An Airplane Haiku

Bunking with strangers
O my Lord I bumped his arm
How my buttocks aches

For the first time in years I wasn’t scared that foreigners would hijack the plane. I was able to enjoy the geometric farmland and decipher crop circles. The long flight and lack of sleep and food paid off. Home was sorely missed.

After a joyful reunion, Mom and I drove to Dave’s school where he is headmaster. (I know. They call him headmaster.) We had a quick lunch at Dave’s favourite café. Please note the English spelling of “favorite.” This charming hole-in-the-wall simply cannot be described with white-trash American spelling.

Costello’s Travel Café, with its burnt golden and sage interior, is perfection… a choice place to unwind and philosophize. My brother generously treated Mom and I to a late lunch. I ordered spicy chai and an Amsterdam pannini. My steaming drink was served with a fern delicately imprinted on the foam. I took a sip- I now know what Edmund tasted when he accepted Jadis’ sustenance. Spicy… warm… tingly… smooth … I always wondered what was in that mug.

The grilled pannini finally arrived, stuffed with chicken breast, provolone, fresh basil pesto, and tomatoes. A side of romaine drizzled with a light vinaigrette accompanied the meal. I love being with David, so this was a perfect beginning to my visit.

Mom and I drove home, where I met our new kitten Tib and tried to win Lulabelle back, to no avail. After I visited Faith and her two kids, I went to Caren’s. Argh. After an over-enthusiastic greeting, she proceeded to put her acting skills to practice in everything she said and did. I ache for her. She is so unhappy with herself, and her children suffer for it. Tonight is Gemma’s 1st birthday party- she looks like she hasn’t aged since I last saw her six months ago… so small and thin. I want to rip Caren’s business manuals away from her, smack her (hard), and force her to make the children priorities, not burdens.

All in all, I am so happy to be back. I miss Darin, but I don’t miss the Midwest.

The West is Best.
(My apologies for the late post, but my parent's dial-up connection suffers.)

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

I'm heeeere.

Holidays are hectic.

Like clockwork, I contracted an illness before Christmas which barred all speaking abilities. In addition, I worked full-time in retail.

*pause for effect*

Please don't. I've wept enough for all of us.

The important thing is, I'm back. And at a very opportune time, too. Tomorrow morning, I'm flyin' outta this Midwest wasteland of cold and ghetto, and into the land of lollipops and pumpkins! West coast, baby.

Why should you give me another chance, you may ask? AHEM.

My eldest sister, i.e. The Ice Queen, has more or less disowned the rest of the family because of a dispute between her husband Joe and my dear brother Dave. She feels that everyone has taken my brother's side in this abomination of her husband's character and business integrity. Let me add that the truth is quite clear.

In short, I am going to have an exciting eleven days at home. I foresee a cross between Jerry Springer, Dr. Laura, and EWTN. Despite all potential crap, I can't wait to see my family and pets. It's been so long since I've spent non-stressed quality time with my mom. (Let me tell ya, wedding planning does not bring out the best in people.)

In conclusive conclusion, say a little prayer for my flight. I'll be sure to update as much as possible. With pictures! And profanity! And Jujubes!